To the
left: Madonna's face distorted, from "Caricature
Zone"
(1)
Madonna, Britney and Christina
from
aaron's top jokes
Due to
a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina
Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive
in time for the ceremony.
Once up
in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "I'm
going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone
down below very happy."
Not to
be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it
out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people
really happy."
Not even
noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look,
I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people
a little happier."
At this
point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't
stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw
all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people
happy."
The following
3 jokes were posted by a "kgrangers" at the ihatemadonna
e-group
(2)
Why was Madonna disappointed with her trip to England?
She found
out that Big Ben is only a clock!
(3)
Did you hear Madonna bought herself a new state of the art
"A.M. radio," only problem was it took her two weeks
to figure out she play it at night as well.
(4)
NASA decides to send 2 monkeys and Madonna on the next shuttle
mission.
"Monkey
number one - come to the computer screen immediately!"
The monkey
hurries out of his cage and promptly sits in front of the
computer screen. The NASA controller tells the monkey to go
to a specific set of instructions and to make sure that it
follows these instructions to the letter.
Then the
controller asks the second monkey to come to the screen immediately.
The second monkey does as he is instructed by the controller
and hurries back to his cage.
Finally
the controller calls for Madonna to come to the screen immediately,
which she does. He begins to instruct her on what she is to
do when she interrupts in a bitchy fashion, "Yeah, yeah,
I know, I fee the F'ing monkeys and don't touch anything --
I got it already!"
The following
jokes are by "Dirty
Carburettor"
(5)
Getting bored with driving her old car, Madonna decided to
pay a visit to her local dealer. An hour later, she was the
proud new owner of a beautiful Jaguar convertible.
Her long
blond hair flowing in the wind, Madonna took the car on her
first drive, planning to spend the afternoon on a long and
pleasant trip in the country.
Unfortunately,
her initial excitement soon disappeared when after only an
half hour the engine began to sputter and the car slowly came
to a halt.
After
a few futile attempts to start the car again, Madonna used
her mobile phone to contact the dealer who promised to send
a mechanic straight away.
Half an
hour later, the mechanic arrived, and within a few minutes
the engine was again purring like a cat.
"What
was the matter", Madonna asked? "Nothing serious",
the mechanic replied. "Just crap in the carburettor!"
"Oh
...", Madonna said, and a shocked expression appeared
on her face.
"How
often do I have to do that?"
(6)
One day, Madonna phoned her best friend and said with an upset
voice, "I've been trying to get this jigsaw puzzle together,
but I just don't know where to start! "
"What
kind of puzzle is it?", asked her friend. "Oh, I
don't know!", Madonna said, "It has a rooster on
the box and there are so many pieces. Can't you come over
and help me to get started, please?"
Madonna
being Madonna, the friend hurries over. "Where is this
puzzle", she asks.
"On
the table", Madonna replies.
With a
surprised look on her face, the friend turns around and says,
"Just put the corn flakes back in the box"
source for
following joke: zeal
(7)
"Madonna has Bastard Christened"
[the following
is a] ... satire on the christening of Madonna's son Rocco
in a Scottish church and her marriage to Guy Ritchie.
Madonna
has Bastard Christened
by Casey Flynn
In the
13th century Scottish Donnoch cathedral, Madonna and surrogate
father, Guy Ritchie, had their son, Rocco, christened. The
child (check picture) was warmly clothed in a jump suit with
rabbit ears to conceal his birth defect (horns) that apparently
come from Madonna's side of the family.
In the
ceremony, a priest from the Scottish church read a passage
from Isaiah on the importance of love and parenting, then
read a passage from Madonna's book 'Sex' on auto-erotic asphyxiation.
Madonna's
publicist tried to take down some unauthorized pictures of
Madonna in the church, but the pastor of the cathedral persuaded
the publicist that those were pictures of a different Madonna.
During
the baptism, when the holy water was sprinkled on the young
child's head, faint plumes of smoke arose. According to the
altar boy, Angus MacTavish, 'De fire came from the small wee
bundle, kilbit wee Sean Connery, hagis, but the wee fellow
was fine.
Upon
leaving the cathedral, the paparazzi - a very difficult word
to spell - swarmed Madonna and her baby. Madonna was worried
about the safety of her child because of the media frenzy,
but fortunately she was able to rush into her limousine, where
four muscular man - immersed in baby oil and heavy metal chains
were waiting to have group sex with her. Guy Ritchie was able
to catch the cross town bus back to their hotel.
A
40-year-old Single Mother Gets Married
The next
day, at a dank, cold, and haunted Scottish Castle, Madonna
married Guy Ritchie. When asked whether she would take Ritchie's
last name, Madonna pointed out that she doesn't have a last
name.
Mike
Jones, Guy Ritchie's best friend from third-grade, served
as an usher for the wedding. Though it has been nearly impossible
to get pictures of the actual ceremony, Mike Jones has suggested
to some media outlets that they should look for pictures of
the wedding at "Mike Jones, guy Ritchie's best friend
from third-grade, who served as an usher for the wedding.com."
In the
actual ceremony, the close family of both Madonna and Guy
Ritchie were present. Lourdes - now four years old - was present,
but her father Carlos Leon - a certified personal trainer
– couldn't make it because his step aerobics class went
too late, and he missed his Southwest Airlines flight.
Rosie
O'Donnell was one of Madonna's friends who showed up. Apparently
Rosie is thinking about giving up her talk-show and going
to law school. Law school, does she feel that she's not hated
enough?
She
wants to dedicate herself with helping parents to adopt, and
she has been out promoting her new book: 'The Gypsy guide
to Adopting Eastern European Kids'.
Perhaps
the most interesting piece of gossip to come out of the Madonna
wedding was Jennifer Anniston's decision not to show up. It
turns out that Madonna's maid of honor was Gweneth Paltrow,
the ex-girlfriend of Brad Pitt.
Jennifer
Anniston refused to let Brad Pitt or herself go to the wedding,
instead she made Brad weed the front garden of their house
and then go with her shopping, so they could get out a new
couch for their television room.
Jokezine.com
has sent Mr. Pitt a copy of the Time/Life series, 'Nagging
Jewish Wives', volume 1: 'Reasons why you can't leave the
House,' followed by, 'Sending Food Back', and for a limited
time offer, 'Problems with the Colored Help and Stealing'.
Of the
notable celebrities, Sting was prominent especially since
he was a close friend of Guy Ritchie.
Sting
- since leaving the Police - has dedicated his broad range
of musical talent to adult contemporary jazz. He has made
quite a repetition for himself in the music department of
Nassau community college, not far from his adopted home of
Manhattan.
He is
also the leader of one of the most successful adult contemporary
jazz trios that performs every Thursday night at the Borders
cafe in Long Island, just down from the science-fiction writing
group. On weekends, he works as a celebrity lookalike, getting
hired to portray Billy Idol.
Members
of the media have openly questioned whether this marriage
will work. But it should be pointed out that Madonna has an
IQ of around 140 when the average IQ is near 100.
We know
that she has a high IQ because she has so revealed, and what
else but a 140 IQ could explain the genius behind her script
selection in the choice of 'Desperately Seeking Susan' and
'Shanghai Surprise'.
Of course
Guy Ritchie is the acclaimed film director of 'Lock, Stock,
and Two- Smoking barrels,' which went straight-to-video. Sources
close to the Ritchie-Madonna camp (Mike Jones) have let it
be known that after the honeymoon, they'll begin working on
a film together. Tentative title: 'Shanghai Surprise II.'
(8)
Following
Jokes are from Music
Instruments Page
How's
Madonna similar to breakfast pastries?
They're both pop tarts.
What's
the new documentary about Madonna going to be called?
Missionary Position Impossible.
What does
Madonna consider formal wear?
Any time her boobs are inside her dress.
Why is
Madonna filming a concert in Australia?
She likes to perform down under.
(9)
originally at laughweb.com
Top
10 Rejected Madonna Songs for Windows XP
When Microsoft
paid The Rolling Stones a few million to use "Start Me
Up" in their Windows95 marketing campaign, some wag posted
the top 10 rejected Rolling Stones songs for advertising Windows95.
Flash
forward to October 25, 2001, as Microsoft uses Madonna's "Ray
of Light" for WindowsXP.
Top 10
Madonna Songs more appropriate for WindowsXP:
10. Get
Down
9. Live
to Tell
8. Gambler
7. Rescue
Me
6. Burning
Up
5. Cry
Baby
4. Why's
It So Hard
3. And
the Money Kept Rolling In (from Evita)
2. Nobody's
Perfect
...and
the number one rejected Madonna song:
1. Frozen
(10)
MADONNA'S
TOP 10 CHILDCARE TIPS
