Madonna Review: She Hasn't Lost It!

Note to our readers: portions of this review have been photocopied and passed around since 1984 by lazy Madonna-worshipping journalists and reviewers. Only fruitcakes at Christmastime get recycled more.

We apologize that we are only able to provide a rough draft of this review at this time.

Above: Madonna's newest incarnation

Madonna's new book record compact disc concert, titled, "Virgin Tour" "Who's That Girl" "Blond Ambition" "Girlie Show" "Drowned World" "Reinvention" is absolutely stunning and is selling out virtually all over.

Don't believe the Madonna detractors who have been, for years, predicting her career's demise! This book record compact disc concert shows the diva is here to stay. Long after Britney Spears, Pink, and Christina Aguilera are forgotten, the Queen of Pop will still reign.

In the business for 20 years now, the ultimate chameleon, Madonna, at 25, 35, 45, appears to be in great shape and able to twist and contort her body all due from years of yoga training and hopping in and out of the sack with Dennis Rodman Warren Beatty Ingrid Casares Sandra Bernhard Sean Penn Tony Ward Andy Bird Guy Ritchie.

Dropping the circus-like atmosphere of previous tours, Madonna sought to put on a show that focused on her singing instead of spectacle, but make no mistake, the master of controversy is back as well.

Above: Madonna eschews a circus-like show to put on this circus skit in her ReinventionTour

Fans who paid top notch ticket prices of $200 to $1,000 were thrilled to see their money put to good use: Madonna performing a hand stand (easily worth $70!); Madonna unable to sing after getting dizzy from twirling about the stage (priceless); Madonna sitting in an electric chair (at least $100); Madonna wearing a kilt (value $1,000).

The fans who paid these phenomenal sums to sit up close to the stage in the "pit" area were delighted when the closest they got to their idol was when she took to a round catwalk that was raised a few feet above their heads and well out of their reach.

Fan photos taken from this "pit" area while Madonna strode the extraordinary cat walk sport, in vivid bluriness, the hair and boogers lining Madonna's nose.

When Madonna donned the

trashy, street urchin look with its multiplicity of crucifixes, bracelets, and punk wear,

corset, and later, sexy dress with a slit up its side

tuxedo with top hat

beret and military fatigues in her homage to

Billy Idol

Flash Dance, Cyndi Lauper, and the Go - Go's

Janis Joplin

Debbie Harry

Marilyn Monroe, Lana Turner and Jean Harlow

Marlene Dietrich

Che Guevera, the fans went wild.

Bank on our teens imitating Madonna's new fashion statements. In the concert, and in promotional posters for the tour, Madonna wore a red bracelet, a three foot high wig, hair nets, and army fatigues (not simultaneously, however).

On her left knee, Madonna was sporting an accessory first worn in concerts and photo shoots by Michael Jackson: an elastic knee brace.

Any day now, you can expect legions of "Madonna wanna-bes," those young ladies from the ages 13 to 25, dressing as Marie Antoinette or growing mustaches to resemble beret-wearing Che Guevara.

In hopes of persuading their parents, some teen girls will even break their kneecaps on purpose to get a coveted knee brace like their idol wears (and which are sold, coincidentally, at Reinvention Tour souvenir stands for $50 each).

Despite the fact that there were no sparks flying from the electric chair and that she didn't die from electrocution, one thing is certain: Madonna is still the provacateur! What is more scandalous than watching a middle aged woman practice her pilates on stage?

An even more enthusiastic response awaited Madonna's daring (and up until now unheard of) condemnation of American president George W. Bush and his decision to send troops into Iraq.

Risk taker that she is,

Madonna simulated masturbation during her re-worked hit Like A Virgin

she used naughty, vulgar terms in her televised HBO concert

Madonna attempted to play the guitar in her Drowned World set list

Madonna's ingenious anti-Bush collage hovered above head: a Bush look-alike was shown hugging a Saddam Hussein look-alike.

Rush Limbaugh, conservative talk show radio host, followed this the next day by lambasting the Detroit native for the entirety of his 3 hour "excellence in broadcasting" show. So incensed was conservative independent Bill O'Reilly that he called on his viewers to boycott Madonna products.

Madonna, once dubbed the "Material Girl" by the press, sought to distance herself from this moniker and image when

she donated $2,000 to an AIDS foundation

she took the film role of Evita where she sang "money and fame were what the world thought I desired, but they're not"

after giving birth to daugher Lourdes proclaimed in interviews that motherhood had changed her; following son Rocco's arrival, no such admission was made

publicly acknowledged calling a cancer stricken teenaged fan

professed to be a deeply spiritual person who practices Kaballah.

She missed no opportunity to remind her fans that she's a changed woman when she stated, "I'm not, really" towards the end of the "I'm a Material Girl" number.

Gone forever is the spoiled, greedy, arrogant, materialistic ogre of years past. Madonna tour books and other Reinvention souvenirs can be purchased at concert concession stands, as well as online, for $30; tour t-shirts, $40; tour purse, $90; see more at Official Madonna Tour Products